robin-in-chicago

Your lovescope for November 14, 2008
You are in for a day of many flights of fancy. If you have been fantasizing a lot about someone with whom you would like to become more intimate, then you may find the longing to be with them becoming almost unbearable. If you stick to what is real about the relationship, then you have nothing to worry about. But if this is all based on wishful thinking, you could be in trouble.

My horoscope today couldn’t be more dead on.

There is a long running debate between men and women whether it is possible to have sex without the relationship. It is otherwise known as Friend’s with Benefits or the ever so popular “Fuck Buddy.”

The fun-loving free spirited side of me would love to say, “Yes it can be done if parties are on the same page.” But see, there in lies the problem, because it is very unlikely that both parties will be on the page. There is usually one person wanting more and it usually the party that did not make the suggestion. I am, of course, speaking in generalities, because sure every once in awhile there are two people that are only in it for one thing and it works and both live happily ever as each others fuck buddy. But, that I do think that situation is an anomaly.

Because of that, I have always warned my guy friend’s about asking a girl to be a FWB. I would tell them that more times than not a girl is only going to say yes because she has an ulterior motive, she is hoping that by sleeping with you, down the line you may change your mind and want more. My guy friends’ always say the same thing callously, that as long as they told the girl up front about thier intentions, they were in the clear because of informed consent. From a logical standpoint I agreed with them they can’t be leading her on if they tell her about it up front. It is up to her whether she chooses to proceed, even with her ulterior motives. If she gets hurt she has no one to blame but herself for making such a poor decision.

Currently, someone I was starting to grow a bit found of proposed Friend’s with Benefits to me. The free spirited - impulsive side of me had no problems with the proposal. This is a new friend and I hardly know him, so even if he wanted a relationship I am not absolutely certain I would be ready. I should be okay with this, then right?

However, this morning I thought about it more. I asked myself what I wanted with Mr. FWB, and I came to realize that I want more. I don’t know if I want a relationship, but I definitely want to be more then his fuck buddy. More importantly I deserve more. I thought back about my past relationships and saw a pattern that I didn’t like very much. I had been at this crossroad before and I always settled for less out of fear that wanting more would mean the loss of that person. But in the end, I never got what I wanted and still suffered the loss.

Which brings me back to FWB. I really like him but I guess I have been put on notice. I respect that for his personal reasons he is not ready for a relationship. I am not ready to have a relationship with him either, I don’t know him well enough to say I want to be committed to him. But what is different is that I am ready for a relationship, ready to get to know him to see if he is relationship material.

So rather than go down the same path I have gone down time and time again, I am going in a new direction. I am willing to admit and accept that I cannot seperate sex from emotions. Sure, I may make mistakes and put the cart before the horse, but even so, I will never be one of those girls that is okay with having sex without committment. I am not sure if I can share the “perks” of a relationship without the expectations of a relationship. I realize that this is not the fad, that nowadays sex shouldn’t be anything more the itch to be scratched, and that all the cool girls are doing it. But I have to stop judging myself and accept me for me.

My horoscope today talked about wishful thinking. I think going down the FWB road with the hopes that he may suddenly decide he wants more then a friendship is wishful thinking. However, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that there is a part of me that also wishes that by saying “no” he will also come to his senses and realize he is missing out with me and thus now want more then a friendship.

I guess I can’t get around having ulterior motives, but I can save myself from getting hurt further down the road. Being his FWB will just delay the inevitable, I will not likely get what I want. Moreover, I will lose some of myself in the process and quite possibly a friend.

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